You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
