i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
