i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
