Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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