he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
