I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
