I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
