so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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