I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
they're like a gay fantastic four
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
