Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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