Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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