You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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