"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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