I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
