Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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