woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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