I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Holy shit dude........stairs
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
