I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
