I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
