it's like heaven, but drunker
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
