She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
