Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
