You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
