I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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