Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Randomize
