I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
