Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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