Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
