I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I supernannyed him into submission
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
