So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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