Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
