see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
