My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
