drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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