what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
