Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
