I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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