There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
