on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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