I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
