my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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