a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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