I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
