Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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