Umm I'm too high to move.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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