why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
