I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
