drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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