i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Ladies don't puke and tell
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
