Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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