You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
