good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Randomize
