Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
