God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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