If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
